Dear Younger You…

Dear younger you, 

                                The younger you nobody knew, not even a bird or a fly could ever discover your life, always figuring out who you were, where you were, why you were placed here and who you really wanted to be, but not even me the author could figure out that maze of a thought on my own. 

All about self discovering, learning about myself every minute of the day and in 20 years of being on this very earth the beginning of my journey has only just begun so many achievements I’ve made have helped pave the way, opportunities being flung my way, but darling, it wasn’t easy, nothing in life is ever one way, always twists and curves, but that’s okay because I’m about to make it in this life, and you can too, just believe in your craft, your sauce even. 

In and out of sleep, tossing and turning beating myself up over things I shouldn’t really be worried about, always saw people my age ahead of me and couldn’t figure out where I was going wrong, but things quickly puzzled together.

I was lost, felt entwined in the deadly jungle, through darkness I struggled, in light I fought,  but the light I was searching for it didn’t want to be found, and if something doesn’t want to be found why should I continue to search and kill myself over it, I’m not weak I’m infused like tea, the longer I’m in and the little tipple of milk added, light will be found. 

After years of self-doubt, things were starting to become so clear, clear as the water in the Caribbean Sea, I could take a glimpse and see clearly now the rain has gone, I could fight all the obstacles in my way. 

Social media is part of me, a big part of my career, the smart intellectuals out on the internet, it’s so fascinating, the great souls of intelligence, we have young Stephen Hawkings swooping in, we have the university fanatics, the college goers, the GCSEs takers, all bundled in too one, we have sharp, crafty, keen teens, ambitious adults learning and sharing their immense knowledge. 

God made each and every one of us individually took his time crafting, putting the smallest details in place, so articulate what a man to believe in, our creator, our best-friend, through the good times and even the bad, always a prayer a way to make our day, he our creator the greatest on earth. 

The abuse that has taken on generations beyond my belief, has now taken the 21st century by storm, Abuse is now being rectified and glamorised, amended for why? My brothers and sisters are physically and mentally wounded, blasts from the pasts taking over their futures, punctures in their souls, yet this behaviour is glamorized, the 50/50 world we live in, the pleasing but malicious world we found upon ourselves, but who’s to blame? 

XXX so fresh, so raw but when victims talk they’re instantly hushed when the supporters talk they can howl and screech, but when victims speak, why should we dim our experiences for you? R.kelly still free, George Zimmerman still breathing fresh air, a bit of fame and you are blown away, but what about the sufferers? Cuts so deep, we can see the bloodstream, bruises looking like rotten fruit, black eyes were hidden by shaded sky, crying out in pain, it’s such a shame, imagine being beaten black and blue, the authorities we trust, just dismiss us, but when it’s a celebrity, it’s a different story…

Our voices are effortlessly powerful, our expressions potent, our smiles gleeful, I used to get told to smile more in pictures. I strive for greatness, I exhale every breath as my last one, I acknowledge life intently each and every day, but guess what the devil wears Prada.

Clouded thoughts turned into uplifting dreams, the world is yours, pulverise, memorise and spread wisdom. 

Everywhere I’m doing the plug walk, I’m so into making it, from the lows to the ultimate kushy highs, from saying you got me intoxicated, from being mentally fucked, mentally scarred to meant to be up, from saying we don’t want no devils in the house we want the LORD, and the lord is who made me have the highest faiths, and he who made me, is who raised me, this is a God dream, this is everything. 

TEEKS 

X

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Suicide Prevention Awareness Day.

Suicide suicide, deep in my lungs

Suicide suicide, deep in my veins

Suicide suicide, on my mind, while I pray

Suicide suicide, deep in my brain

Suicide suicide, while I’m cutting away

Suicide suicide, I’m so done with you

Suicide suicide, where’s the way out?

I’m alone in a corner, all I know is lights out, 

No such thing as light at the end of the tunnel, 

It’s a never-ending darkness, I feel alone, scared even, 

Nothing in life is fair, I don’t even fear death I fear life. 

I leapt and sometimes I wish someone caught me

You joked I laughed hiding my cries in my voice

I fell apart and piece by piece you put me back together like a puzzle,

I whispered ‘tick-tock slow motion’ as I counted down 5,4,3,2,1 

My eyes flickered open I bellowed ‘I’VE HAD ENOUGH’

Why am I feeling hopeless, lifeless, like no one can help me?

I wish I could see clearly now the rain has gone, 

I have no tears left to cry,

I’ll probably self-destruct if I lose but I never do,

No one 079’s me, people say they know me from somewhere, but they never pick up their line to 079 me,

I got fake people showing fake love to me, straight up to my face,

Everyone tells me I’m self- centred, but they ain’t got a fucking clue.

Did you see what I did? Remixed bars with normal lines to come up with something quick! I was a distraught lifeless person then stepped up and became a better one, this death thing it isn’t for me nor you, our souls, our smiles, it’s irreplaceable.

You see this life, it’s what you make it, you only get one chance, it’s not easy but you have so much to live for, you don’t have anything to die for, your life will finish when it’s ready, speeding it up for what? For who? 

You! Yeah, I’m talking to you! Don’t let anyone think you’re less than a person, God gave you breath, he gave you a family, you wouldn’t be on this very earth if he didn’t want you to enjoy it and explore, I know you must be thinking ‘no one cares about me’ but believe me there are a lot of people out there who care about you, if you resist the urge to not end your life a day will come where you’ll think ‘I’m so glad I’m not dead and still here.

I’m 21 next year, if I committed suicide I wouldn’t have even reached 20. 

It happened to me and I’m glad I didn’t end it all when I had the chance, so many things have cropped up for me from that day forward, sometimes I still do have bad days, but I remember why I’m on this earth and it’s to live it my way how I want, I’m not here to impress anyone but myself.  

Help is within your control, if you want it you’ll take steps to get it. 

I’m not trying to say battling mental health is easy, because it’s the opposite of that, it’s extremely fucking hard, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, but everyone has a chance of rebuilding the life they want, with help if they want it, I found most of my help within, I wanted it, I didn’t want to feel always depressed all the time, hiding indoors, it’ll end when you make steps. 

To the people who say “ I’m going to start checking on my friends today” what about all the other days, why today? 365 days in a year, 52 weeks in a year and today is the day you’ll want to check up on them, speaking to your friends or family isn’t a hard task, what if you are a day late from checking up on them? Who’s going to feel guilty? 

To check on someone takes a mere five minutes, you can save someone by just taking a few minutes out to see how they are, trust me. 

This is a very quick blog from me, hopefully, you can read in between the lines, no one deserves to die by suicide, mental health is a killer but we can stop this in due time.

You’re worth it, think before you act! 

Teeks x