You hurt me.
One thing I always get asked/told ‘why don’t you have a man’ or ‘you don’t seem like the type who would be in a relationship’
He hurt me, physically, mentally, emotionally, he said he loved me, and of course I believed him, he said he wanted me to be apart of his future, I believed him, he was so nice and caring at the beginning and then things started to take a dramatic turn downhill.
I started drinking enjoying my days of being a teenager, he didn’t like it, in fact, he hated it and started to resent me, told me I was an alcoholic, started torturing my mind, spitting vile poison in me, and then the next day a whole ME would apologise for being myself enjoying, he didn’t like me having fun, he just wanted me around him all the time, didn’t want me talking to anyone else, I was simply being me, but my alcohol days got worse and worse, a couple of drinks before bed, partying more, all he saw was red, but I don’t know why.
He hurt me physically, mentally and emotionally.
But I became stronger, I found the courage within myself to leave, I know what he was doing wasn’t right, but what made me stay? I loved him, head over heels, but it wasn’t healthy I needed to get out.
I got out and kept on drinking, it made me feel better, but also worse I was getting ill but I blocked it out.
Another one used and abused me, he wouldn’t get off, I kept on saying “no please get of off me” my words were slurring, my vision was oh so blurry, but it happened, he left the room and I wanted to get away but I couldn’t my body was weak so I stayed, he came back and did it again. I wanted to scream but who would’ve heard me?
He took me for a mug, he said he loved me but loved someone else, it hurt so so much, but I was sort of getting used to the same treatment, being used and abused, my heart used to be so full of love now it’s half empty, full of regret why did I let these vicious people enter my life, but then again true colours never show at the start, always near to the end.
We were talking for a year, everyday phone-calls, everyday FaceTimes, meeting up, opening up to each other telling small details that meant a lot, telling each other things that no one else knew, putting each other as top priorities, but well guess what that one spiralled completely out of control, we had feelings for each other, we were doing so well, but he kept on breaking promises, promises is one thing I don’t FUCK WITH, I hate promises completely, but I gave him an ounce of my trust and where did the trust end up going, out of the fucking window. He claimed me when it suited him best.
I always give my all when I’m with someone, and as time goes by it just starts to be a waste of time, I fall hard and can never seem to shake it off, it’s annoying, irritating why do these traits follow me around like a lost dog? Why me? What have I done that was so wrong? I try my best and always get a fat F planted on my heart, do I love too hard? Do I give in easily to what they want? I’ve never been able to work it out.
Maybe I do chat to a few people here and there but really I don’t think anything amazing to come out of it, I don’t ever paint people with the same brush but I’m highly cautious now on who I involve myself with, but no matter how much I try to protect myself something always comes along and ruins it.
None of them realised the later effects it had on me, I’m reserved, it may not seem like it but I am.
I’m not saying I’m perfect, because I’m certainly not and don’t ever plan to be, I probably did trigger some of these, but who knows I’ll never know, and quite honestly I don’t want to know, it’s in the past and I’m now living in the present.
Does this answer your questions? My truth, some of my life out in the open, the disgusting people that have come and done this, I don’t like opening up to people because I tell someone and laugh about it, not because it’s funny but more of a nervous laugh to hold back the tears, I don’t like tears escaping because once one trickles down my cheek there’s no stopping, I come across fearless my comebacks to everything is strong, a cry every now and again is good but I simply just don’t like crying, I don’t like sympathy at all. I love loving people, and sometimes it’s too much for my own good.
I tell people I love them and they think I’m crazy, screaming “you don’t know me like that b” “we’ve just met” blah blah blah, sometimes it’s just your vibe I like, if we can’t vibe then sorry, the connection has failed.
All I hear is ‘you chat to so many men’ I don’t understand what point some of you are trying to make, I’m obliged to talk to whoever I want.
But recently I’ve stepped back a lot, I don’t talk to anyone because that means I have to open up it takes me a lot a LOT to just tell someone things about me, I’ll flip the script and will want to hear about your life, I’ll ignore you when you ask about mine, it’s just normal now.
Words from me!
Yes this is about me, but I decided to share this because I’m done suffering in silence and keep getting asked constant questions, I know there are a million of other people where things like this have happened to them, it’s sad to think other people go through this, but it’s also to scream and shout awareness that you’re not suffering alone whether you’re a woman/man. There are about 5 stories mixed into this but there are separate people involved, some of them are very minor but some are serious. I’ve spoken about some of these situations with ‘friends’ they didn’t even care one ounce, but that’s okay because I sent them on their way.
If you’re getting abused, physically, mentally, emotionally then speak out!
I will always use my platform to spread awareness or for my controversial topics.
It doesn’t matter what age, gender, the colour you are, if something is not right within your relationship, situationship or friendship speak out, we have freedom of speech use it!
I simply haven’t had a man for a long time because I’m scared of who’s entering my life, I’m scared what they’ll do, are their intentions as true as they’ll say, do they want me or my body? Do they want to love or lust? Do they want my heart? Have I done something? My mind is never ending thoughts, but that’s okay I’ll rather have thoughts then being thoughtless.
This is what happens at 2am in the morning when I’m overthinking or thinking about the past I feel to write, it’s so much easier to get my thoughts out by typing them down, this has been stacked in my notes for a while now and I’ve just always scrolled past not knowing whether I should release or hold back, but here I am about to click ‘publish’.
“Controllers, abusers & manipulative people don’t question themselves. They don’t ask if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else.” – Darlene Quimet
Thank you to everyone that continues to read and gives feedback, highly appreciated!
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